Heroin is bad

For approximately the last five years I've been in love with this guy. We weren't together the whole five years, but off an on throughout that period. I fell fast and hard when I was around seventeen/eighteen years old and I thought he was it. He was really the first person, especially the first male, that I could talk to and who made me feel good about myself and my body since I was and still am so self-conscious. He was the first guy to ever say he loved me and the first that I ever said that to in reply. We meant it too. I looked at him and knew "I'm gona spend the rest of my life with him." There's never been a doubt in my mind that I really loved him or he loved me, even when we weren't on the best of terms. It was that Head over heals, can't sleep, can't go through the day without thinking about each other, wana spend forever together, kind of love. It was indescribable.

There were points through our relationship that were amazing and points where I thought my whole world was crashing in on me. We'd be together and then he'd just disappear out of no where and I wouldn't hear from him for weeks, and then he'd coming waltzing back in my life and the same thing would happen again leaving me happier than I'd ever been and then crying alone in my room brokenhearted. About a year and a half, almost two years ago I said never again. I should have known I was lieing.

We got back together back in December '08 and I told him not to make me regret my decision. He said he wouldn't and all was well in the world. We were so happy. We actually saw each other several times a week... (a definite change from previous years) and talked on the phone every night at the very least when we didn't. We'd text mushy lovie-dovie things that would probably make other people wana 'butterfly' (aka puke) but we were happy and so in love. We had found each other yet again. Then one night he said everything I had been waiting for years to hear. He, yes HE, brought up Marriage, not I. Here was this guy I had been in love with for five years... the guy I had been waiting all this time for and it appeared he had finally figured everything out... finally started treating me like I wanted/deserved to be treated and HE was talking about looking at rings, and where we'd have the reception and what church we'd exchange our vows in. My very dreams were coming true and I couldn't have been happier. Then he changed his mind.

Things started to slip. I could feel it and no matter what I did I couldn't stop it. The old habits I thought had managed to be changed or disappear started popping back up. When we first started again, he claimed he was so scared to lose me and I felt like for once I had the upper hand where I wasn't the little rag doll being dragged around on the ground behind the child, like I felt in the past. We were both working on things and we were on even ground. That soon changed and here we are. It was one day short of three months when I said I couldn't do it anymore. (I know three months doesn't sound like a long time but when you've been with someone for five years and never really dated that solidly, three months was a big deal.) When I couldn't see him cuz he just 'didn't feel like it' or we never actually made it to the mall to look at rings, I knew something was wrong. He had "really thought about it and realized he wasn't ready." I just didn't want to admit it to myself but I knew it was over. We didn't want the same things and I knew that but I still let myself fall back into that old routine of trying to fix things I didn't even know could be fixed or not. At points I didn't even know if I was fighting because he/us was what I really wanted or if I was just fighting out of habit. Still, I was that pathetic girl offering everything I had; my time, energy, support, heart, life and love and it still wasn't enough. I couldn't fix things. I kept telling myself... "he's changed this much already... he just needs more time" but when he'd say things and I'd tell him how much his words/actions hurt, and he wouldn't make an effort to try and go about things a different way and therefore say/do those hurtful again and again... I decided I couldn't take that anymore. I was crying more than I was smiling.

We had never really dated in the traditional sense of the word before. That was our problem though I think. I was either away at school or we never saw each other for one reason or another, so we never really knew what it was like to be 'steady' with one another. We still knew everything about each other so that was nice going back into things not having to start from scratch, but maybe that hurt us too and we didn't even know it. We had both dated other people in our 'off' time and there was one guy that I really thought was my knight and shining armor, but alas, I messed that up cuz my most of my heart wasn't with him. We had just figured we were meant for each other. That's why nothing ever worked out with anyone else. We tried for a fresh start and it was great for awhile, but sometimes... I guess Love just isn't enough.

That's what sucks the most. I still love him more than anyone else in the world. I've tried so hard to make things work and it always comes back to me for some reason. I'm the one fighting and saying how I can't breathe without him and he's standing there watching me drown and all he does it put a hand out without moving and I can't reach him. He was the one person in the world I'd give up anything for, the one person I loved the most, the one person that can hurt me the most and the one that I'll never be able to have, all rolled into one. He's nearing his thirtys and he still has no idea what the real world is like. Yes, he's had two children and he's always been an amazing Dad to those kids, (and I was ready and willing to be the best mother I could be to those kids too,) but he's still a child himself sometimes. Quick to judge others, selfish, obnoxious. always wanting his way or now way.... but the way he looked at me... the way I'd feel when I was in his arms... the way my heart would race when he'd kiss me and tell me he loved me... How do I just forget that? I'd give anything to have that back. Even though most of what I've said has been negative... there have been some moments that I'll never forget. Moments that were absolutely amazing. Moments where words weren't even necessary to see/feel/know how happy we were/could have been and how much we loved each other. It wasn't all bad. It really wasn't... and that's what makes it so hard. He gave me the hightest highs possible... but it always ends in the lowest lows and I can't deal with this rollercoaster anymore when I dont know if there's ever really going to be a straight away where it'll all work out and be ok. I don't have faith in that "happy ending" like I used to because there's been nothing to give me that hope anymore.

Why do I feel like I'm the bad person for walking away... (or shuffling very slowly still secretly hoping he'll pull me back) when I know and fully believe he still loves me? Why can't he just figure it out? He was doing so good and everything was amazing and now here I am alone in my room, crying again and unable to even look at his picture without getting more sick to my stomach about this whole thing.

How can someone who loves me hurt me so much? That's what I don't understand. I know his intentions are genuinely good, but he's just blind sometimes. He doesn't see whats right in front of him, he won't really listen to what I say and I can't let my heart be torn to pieces anymore while he takes God knows how long to figure it out.

I've come to realize I have a relationship pattern. It goes like this:
Meet/get back with boy. Amazingly Happy. Happy. Happy-ish. Unhappy. I hurt. I try to fix it. I blame myself. I try to fix the things I'm doing wrong (cuz it's obviously me thats doing things wrong). I try to fix the whole thing again. I get hurt more. I start to resent the person I'm with. I realize I'm still alone even though I'm in a relationship. I convince myself getting out/getting some space is the best thing. I back down and don't leave. I hurt some more. Try again, fail. Hurt. I finally leave. I panic. I regret leaving. I doubt that I'll be able to find anyone who will want to be with me. I try to fix things. That fails. Hurt again. Then there's just a lot of hurt until I start to move on and then he comes back in my life again and we start the whole process again.

I just want one guy that breaks this cycle. Just one guy who doesn't dictate the whole relationship and who I don't have to compromise everything for. I don't wana have to give up what I want to be with the person I want. I shouldn't have to. Is that too much to ask? I was still willing to though. I just want someone who will care for me and love me and support my dreams no matter how crazy they might be cuz I'd do the same for him. He couldn't do that for me. He laughed at me. How can I be with someone who laughs at my dreams?

My conclusion: He is my drug. My heroin. I am just addicted to him. Will I always love him? Without a doubt. Will he always be the one I thought/wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with? Absolutely. Maybe, hopefully, someone else will show me that he was just a stepping stone to the one I'm really supposed to be with. He can't give me what I need and I can't ask him to change anymore because the fact is that no matter how much he says he will... he just won't. Or maybe he honeslty can't. I don't know anymore. I just know how much I hurt. He's had it really rough in the past and I wanted nothing more to be the one person who could fix that and make everything ok but I can't be that person at the arms lenght he always keeps me at. I have to be an equal in a relationship and he was so used to being a parent and doing things his way, on his own, that he doesn't treat me like an equal, but like one of his kids. I just can't do that no matter how much it hurts to say goodbye, it hurts even more to stay and be unhappy and hurt over and over and I owe myself more than that.

The next few weeks are gona be so hard. It really is like an addiction. You tell yourself that just a little more is ok and you'll quit tomorrow but that little bit turns into more and more and the next thing you know you're spiraling downward again and the whole process starts over. I don't know if I can make a clean break cuz I feel like leaving his is like leaving a huge part of me behind too. He's all I've ever wanted and now he's gone. I have to leave him in the past... or at least that's what I keep telling myself. If he showed up at my door and got down on one knee or told me how much he needed me though I'd probably go running back just like every other time and be willing to try it all again. I really would if he gave me reason to. I told him the ball is in his court... but his pride won't let him touch it and thats why we're both going to be alone now.

Its terrifying - the thought of being alone and starting over. The Love of my life is gone and he's the one who let me go. He didn't fight for me. I really don't know where to go from here. I feel like I can't breathe and its all my fault. It is what it is though. I told people he was The One and then we broke up. How naive am I? I know how hard I've tried. God did I try and beg and plead and try some more. I know how much I hurt too though, and I think he's hurting as well but he won't just say it and ask for me back. I need someone who can at least say openly that he wants/needs me.

It's ok though. I'll be ok. I have to be. I'll miss him like hell. I'll miss the boys and his family, but if I'm not true to myself then how can I be true to him, especially if we're not happy? I wanted nothing more than him and happily ever after but happily ever afters aren't real. As soon as I stop crying I'll be able to see through new eyes and know this was all for the best. Someone will find me, right...? ........ Right?


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"Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me